Rachel's Rap Sheet

DING DING DING

2009-03-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

TKO
in the final round
And the winner is
Destry
Destry is the blondist!

Now for the blow by blow.

Ok there was only one blow.

Destry's oldest Child attends Pope John Paul II high school, which is private.
Her step daughters (that live with their mother) attend Christ the King, which is private.
Finally, her youngest two attend Jack Anderson, which is public.

Poor Destry got confused and thought that all the kids had spring break this week.
In fact only two of the three schools are on spring break.
This was a shock to Destry as she had already booked a cabin in Gatlinburg.
HA HA HA HA

confused mothers

2009-02-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Every year the service unit (Girl Scouts) has a Father Daughter Sweetheart Diner and Dance.
I knew I needed to tell my troop about it but I was dreading it. I knew Chris would not want to go because he would not know anyone there. I was afraid that several other girls would go and Madeline would be the only girl not to go. I also thought that Chris would not be the only dad to feel this way. I anticipated it being the very last minute and still not knowing if anyone was attending.

I had one mom who knew her husband would love to take her daughter to the dance. She e-mailed me back immediately and said "we're in." Within an hour I had another mom call. She was confused. She said "I forwarded the e-mail to ____ and he said he would love to take her. Then he hesitated and said 'if she wants to go'". It was as if the dad wanted to so badly he would be disappointed if his daughter did not go with him. This played itself out time and time again. One dad was even moving a business trip. My own husband replied to my e-mail, "sounds good."

Apparently they really really want their daughters first dance to be with them.

Who knew?

Drunk Granny? Which One?

2009-01-26T20:23:00.000-08:00

My cousin Jeanie told me the funniest story on Granny Dorisy.
First of all Jeanie calls her Drunk Granny.
That doesn't narrow it down for me. All my Grannies are drunk.

Anyway, Granny and Jeanie had been drinking and they ran out of vodka. So, Jeanie drove them to the liquor store. I didn't ask. Let's just assume Jeanie was ok to drive.
While there Jeanie left Granny looking at the little airplane bottles of liquor. I don't know why but Granny really really likes the little bottles. Jeanie is a couple aisles over and she hears glass breaking. Yep. It was Drunk Granny.
Drunk Granny is just standing there looking at the broken glass as if it held the answers to all of lifes questions.
The manager felt so bad for Jeanie taking care of her Drunk Granny that he did not even charge them for the liquor.

When my Orange Granny passed away her jewelery came to me in a liquor box.
Enough said.

My step- grandmother, Grandmother Muriel once has so much to drink at a church pic-nic that she feel out of her lounge chair and landed in the grass. My mom bought her a breathalizer test because she worries about an 82 year old driving "impaired".
Grandmother Muriel took the breathalizer test to Golden Age Club. They passed it around to see who could win.
Obviously, the highest score wins.

Tapestry of Friendship

2009-01-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Oh My I don't know where to start.
OK first I have a very old very good group of friends from childhood.
Childhood - less than 7 years old when we met.
We even have an acronym.
N BARS - Natalie, Bethany, Amy, Rachel, and Sarah
Someone is missing.
We use to be 6.
Stephanie.

Stephanie's parents are evil. I always thought so. Now that I am a parent, I know so.
Stephanie never had a chance.
At some point you grow up and accept responsibility for your actions.
Now her life is her mess. Not her parents.

I was a matron of honor at her wedding. It was a lovely wedding but you would have been hard pressed to find one person in the room who thought that the marriage would last.

I don't remember if it was years or months. The call I expected came..
"Rachel, I am getting a divorce. I want to start over in Nashville. Can you help?"

My husband, is ever indulgent. He said this is not going to work out. Stephanie came to live with us. She was suppose to find a job and save up for deposits.

Anyway, she did not look for a job, let alone find one.
My husband finally gave a deadline.
Her parents drove down and got her a place.
They paid 6 months of her rent and utilities.
(Read gave her an additional 6 months vacation.)

Shortly after her moving out, my son, Logan, was hospitalized for dehydration.
Around day 4, I gave Logan a bath at the hospital. He was about 2 or 3. As you may know, bathing boys that age is like visiting a water park. I asked Stephanie to go by my house and pick up some dry clothes for me. Funny I am wearing those same sweat pants now.
Back on topic, while at my home, she helped herself to my engagement ring.
She dropped off my dry clothes at the hospital and told me she had to go to Knoxville for a doctor's appointment. Huh?
While in Knoxville she pawned my engagement ring for 1/10th of the value, $410. She went to Parisians and bought 4 new bathing suits.

I would have bought her the bathing suits.

The police told me that she needed time to feel comfortable pawning the ring and I should pretend that I believed it had gone down the drain or whatever.
This was hard.
I had to be around her all the time.
The cop finally picked her up and she admitted to everything.
The pawn shop owner had my ring in Louisville at a jewelery show. Someone had already put down a deposit on my ring. The detective drove to Louisville and I got it back that same day. Well, 4 months later, but the same day. In hind site, it is clear to me that Stephanie has substance abuse problems. I have never been exposed to that before and so did not recognize it.

I have not seen Stephanie again.

Weeks later, I dropped my ring in the middle of a cross walk in the square in Gallatin. I realized this several hours later. Went back. Found the ring. But no diamond. Found the diamond. Had it reset.
Curse of the Collins Diamond.

Weeks later, we were leaving a Birthday Party at Chuck E Cheese. I felt lighter. I noticed the stone had fallen out of the ring. This time, I did not find the diamond.
Then the insurance company sent me a ring that looked like it had come out of gum ball machine.
Then I got a decent replacement. Still not as nice as my stone.
Curse of the Collins Diamond.

I am not just telling you all this because of some fit of nostalgia.
I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that I still love Stephanie.
I went through a period of depression when this all happened.
She has always been a dear friend and I know I can't have her in my life anymore.
I love her. I just don't know how to be a friend to her. Obviously, my help enabled her behavior and made it worse.

Now I hear that she is pregnant. This is like a slap in the face for me. I know she needs me. I know the people around her suck. I can't do it. I can't get sucked back in. It breaks my hear to think of this poor child being raised by Stephanie and being the grandchild of Lydia and Larry. This child has no chance at happiness.

What was the name of that book? Flowers in the attic?

We Are Ready To Lead Once More

2009-01-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

Madeline and I went to the Inauguration.
We were thrilled to have Jennifer, Zoe, Korey, and Christy go with us.

We drove up on Saturday. We ate dinner at Macadoos in Blacksburg. Yummy Just like old times.
We arrived at Uncle Eddies house very very late, or should I say very very early on Sunday morning.
Eddie and Jeff are wonderful host. Not only did they stay up and wait on us to arrive, they helped cary in luggage, provided extra blankets, towels, fare cards for the Metro and water bottles in our bedrooms. Better than the Ritz.

We went with Eddie and Jeff and our new friend Joan to a special church service for MLK day and the Inauguration. It was moving. I cried at least twice. The beginning of the end for my poor overworked tear ducts.

Then we drove into Eddie's office. Durring the drive Jennifer entertained us with stories about Ross the Intern. Eddie and I don't watch a lot of TV and had no idea that he is on Jay Leno. We walked to a restaurant off DuPont Circle. (For those of you who don't know, Uncle Eddie, Uncle Jeff, Jeanie, and Korey are gay. DuPont Circle is a gay neighborhood. DuPont Circle is affectionatly referred to as the Fruit Loop by the locals.) We were pleasantly surprised that in spite of being a group of 9, and the place beign packed, we were able to be seated within minutes. It helped that the kids sat at their own table. As we were leaving Jennifer looked out the window and screams, "It's Ross." When we caught up with her she shoved a camera at me and demanded I take her picture with Ross the Intern.

Then we walked to a gay book store, and a regular book store one block down. Then we went to a bakery and tried to warm up and wait for Barbara's cab to bring her into the city from the airport. This was to be a 3 hour cab ride at over $100. Wosh. Eddie, Jennifer, Christy, and Korey made a mad dash for American Apparel in Georgetown. This proved to be a find for Eddie who discovered that they carry extra small and the clothes fit him off the rack.
Then home for a drink and some carry out Kabobs from Mobey Dicks. Pizza for the kids.
Sleep Sleep Sleep

Monday we wake up late. Partialy because we are functioning on Central Time. It was snowing. They said up to an inch. It did not happen for us. I tried to take pictures but they were not great. We go to the mall. Madeline and Zoe want to hit a toy store in a big way. We eat lunch in the food court and grab a build a bear. Then we head to the Metro and into the city. We check out the mall, the street venders, the Washington Monument, the WWII, the reflecting pool, and the Lincoln. The Lincoln was closing?.?. I don't know why, but they closed it and the line to enter was far longer than what could be admitted? During this time everyone was talking about Obama, the inauguration, the importance of this event. It was "in the air." I have never experienced that before. The son was going down and it was getting very cold, so we headed to a metro stop. Thank goodness we were able to pile in a cab. Yes 7 people, 5 of whom were adults in one cab. 4 blocks and 13 dollars later, we are on the metro. We went to the liquor store and then meet Eddie and Jeff at Fudruckers for diner. (Joan and Barbara were attending the State of Illinois Inaugural Ball.) Jeanie's girl friend Sindy came over and we stayed up all night drinking and talking.

Going to bed at 4 and 5 am is not helpful in getting ready for an event that starts at 11 and has huge crowds, requiring lots of extra time for travel. Somehow, we pulled it off. We hoped to leave at 8 and left at 10. We arrived on the mall just in time for the beginning of the inauguration. It was beautiful and moving. Regarldless of your politics it was a wonderful experience. Most people were moved to tears. Television camaras cirlced threw the crowds recording tears and joy. Everyone cheered. Some booed the former president and some sang "Goodbye" to him when the helicopter left. I thought that was in poor taste. So, I just sung in my head, not aloud. Much classier.
After the speech we started moving away from the big TV thingies (Jumbo Trons?) and toward the Lincoln. We did this in hopes that movement would help us warm up and to be a little closer to the Metro station. The Lincoln was open and offered a beautiful view. It seemed appropriate to be on the steps of the Lincoln afterObama was sworn in, on the day after we celebrated the life of Martin Luther Kind Jr., all the while listening to the National Athem. The Metro was keeping up with the crowds better than we could have ever hoped for. It was almost pleasant. Except for the part where I got motion sickness and almost threw up on some very nice people from California. They did not even mind because everyone was experiencing such excitement and joy. Jeanie (henceforth known as wimpy-afraid-of-the
-cold-watch-it-from-home-loser-I-never-did-trust-tall-people-anyway) Where was I. Oh, Jeanie picked us up at the Metro. Jeanie is so good to us. We went to eat and then joined Eddie and Jeff for an Inaugural Diner Party. It was fun. The kids made new friends. After the party Eddie entertained us with his impersonation of Sister Viola, think Church Lady. It was a hoot and a half. Then Eddie took request and those who could, sang. I was sober enough to refrain. Jeanie, you know the wimpy-blah-blah-blah, has a wonderful voice. It was also nice to spend some time with Joan and Barbara. I think I was the first one to go to bed. I was so exhausted I could barely update my status on Facebook. lol
We slept in. We intended to leave early. We talked to Joan and Barbara instead. We drove all day. We met Mom and Art for diner. We made it home early Thursday Morning.
The End

Pictures are available on Facebook.

Top 10 Reasons for Laundry Overload

2009-01-14T07:06:00.000-08:00

10. I am hosting a family of refugees with impeccable taste in clothing.
9. The pictures entertain my friends.
8. We are conducting experiments to determine how much will fit in a large capacity washer.
7. We are testing the strength of the banisters.
6. Belle needs somewhere to sleep.
5. Cammie (neighbor) needs to practice her dive rolls.
4. No need to wash until you run out of underwear.
3. No need to wash until things start to smell funny.
2. The pictures have caused Grandparents to consider calling CPS
1. Stitches are an important rite of passage.

Obama

2009-01-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

I am deeply troubled. I can not decide if I should go to the inauguration or not.

I thought my mom had tickets to the area behind the fence. She has had them in the past.
She does not have them.
WTF?

Christy, that means what the fuey? WTF?

Chris will not go because he is a republican. Funny when we lived in Va. he was a dem. He follows the crowd.

So I have to take the kids by myself. Ok Fine. Then I start hearing all of this about record crowds. I have flashbacks to the inaugurations I have attended with tickets. So crowded and overwhelmingly difficult. There are going to be 10 times as many people. Shazam I remember the 4th of July on the mall. The great american smoke out. Fun. About the same ammount of people as expected for the inauguration, 3 million. With one big difference, they don't close the roads for the 4th. They do for the President, Senate, Cabinet, etc to gather in one place. They close everything but the metro. So you have 3 million people ridding the metro across the Potomic.... with Logan and Madeline.

Now I am thinking, this is a bad idea. My cousin who still lives there is not going. My uncle who lives there is not going. My friends who live there are not going. So, all the 3 million people are going to be tourist who can't find anything and don't know how to use the metro. JOY

OK I don't want to do this. Then there is the weather. My memory of inaugurations involve extreme cold and sometimes rain. With the crowds, you can double the time spent in the weather. I check the weather, of course it is to far away, but they have had highs of 27 and 38 for the past week and predicted similarly for next week. UHG This is going to suck a donkey nevermind.

I try talking to my kids about the real experience. Logan thinks he will get to meet Obama. We get that cleared up and Logan says "if it rains, we will watch it on TV from Uncle Eddies house."
a pause
"Mom you will need to go so that you can take pictures for us. Can Granny Dorisy baby sit us?"

I ask Logan why I need to take pictures. He says "For Mrs. McMurry and Mrs. Warrington. Duh Mom" Those are his teachers.

I think Logan is very concerned with my comfort.

Madeline also came up with the TV idea. I told her we could watch it on TV from home. She said "We can't see if Uncle Eddie has new games from home. True Dat Mommy True Dat"

My kids are so patriotic. I am going to have to find a childrens book about the inauguration process before we go.

IPO

2009-01-03T22:52:00.000-08:00

I put the address for the blog on my facebook page.
Yeah it seems like a bad idea to me too.

I am like Leroy Brown, meaner than a junk yard dog.

As many of you know, I have a frienemy. She is a selfish manipulative person who always has an ulterior motive.
I recently had a wrapping party. It was great fun. We had food, martinis, baby sitters, lots of wrapping paper, tape, scissor, ribbon, name tags, martinis, martinis, etc.

My girlfriends brought their gifts over to my house and we wrapped until 2am.

Frienemy has one of those at home businesses where she sells jewelery. It is nice stuff. You can't get involved with Frienemy if money is concerned. So, I had to stop buying jewelery from her. With in 10 minutes of getting my e-mail invitation to the wrapping party (informal no invitations) she asked about selling her crap to my friends.
Um No.
Then she gave me detailed instructions on how to go about having a wrapping party.
Um No.
Pretty sure I had it covered with the martinis.

I new she would make comments about how much I had spent on gifts and keep a running tally of all expenses incurred. I was dreading my own party because of her. I was hitting the martinis pretty hard. Thank goodness she ended up in another room. She was not able to see my stuff.

She was the first to leave. Before leaving she came into the room where I was wrapping, to thank me and to say "If you have any ribbons or name tags left over, call me. I can borrow them from you. I will come and get them. "
Um No.

So for all of you who laugh about all my volunteer work and tell me I need to learn to say no...
You should incourage my relationship with Frienemy. I am saying No all the time now.
I may even start saying it to you.
Um No.
I would never say no to you love.

If you are new to the blog, consider reading such clasics as ...
Red Neck Ninja Bitch, Cracking UP, 911 We have a Video Game Emergency all found in Novemeber of 08
Fairland & Not Happy, are found in September of '08.
Not Happy is one that people I have never meet have read.
(the one about the not homeless guy and his poor dead dog)

New Years

2009-01-01T22:00:00.000-08:00

I hope that New Years Day is not a prediction of how the rest of the year is going to be.

Today I was going to work on my to do list
1. Go through kitchen cabinets and find stuff for the couple Scottie is helping. (They have been homeless until recently and have one hospital bed and the clothes on their backs and nothing else.) We all know that I don't use very many of the things in my kitchen. What with the inability to cook and general fear of kitchens.

2. purchase the paint and paint the kids' bedrooms
3. take the kids' new comforters to the laundry service people to get the new icky smell out of them.

4. Exchange several of Chris' Christmas gifts. Apparently the jeans I bought him are to tight on his thighs and the sweaters would send the wrong signals to gay men. Not that he has a problem with gay men. He just doesn't want to advertise as one. PS the sweaters are to stylish for him. They are so not gay.

5. I also need to do about 8 loads of laundry, as always

6. put the Christmas crap up so that we can park in the garage again

Today I
slept half the day

woke up feeling like crap

we went out for lunch

I tried three times to buy some sweaters on line

The fourth time was a charm

Chris had the nerve to say "How do you know if we have money for that?"
I don't answer questions like that. So there was no fighting or excitement just a little mouth noise to let him know that I had heard him.

We watched two TV shows together.

I have been feeling crappy all day so I had a little nap.

Now I am awake and may never fall back to sleep. After all, I have slept for 11 of the past 24 hours.

My husband has spent almost the entire day playing video games and ignoring me.
Even though I said "pay attention to me" about 50 times.

Oh and the best part, I asked Chris how he felt about his parents not calling him for Christmas or New Years. He said the only thing that bothered him about it was me asking him about it.

Funny Stuff I Missed by Having Christmas at Home

2008-12-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

This is my Granny, Doris Groves. You can call her Granny D. My cousin Jeanie noticed that Granny D has a striking resemblance to Dora.

They even have the same hair!

Granny D asked the entire room, "Is her Butt flat like mine?"
Oh my Granny has found a long lost relative.

2008-12-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am going to try writing a "Christmas Letter" and making it into a "New Years" letter. I try a Christmas letter every year. It either sounds like I am barging or complaining. Or maybe I just think that because that is what I think when I get letters from other people.
You know the letters

Oh darling we went to Europe and Asia and Africa and Australia. We were saddened that Wilford had to work for three entire days this year we had to cancel our trip to Fiji to accommodate his schedule. My daughter married into the Kennedy Family. My son was accepted to Harvard and Yale but chose Princeton.
Or
My dog died on January fist. Just when I was recovering from that I was diagnosed with a terrible skin disease that makes me smell like dead fish. My husband left me for my daughter's best friend and my daughter moved in with them.

Mine aren't that bad. I can't get the tone right. So I have never sent one. I am thinking this year to do a letter that has anicdotes of silly things we have done. I need one for each of us. then I might make a little list of things to brag about and things to complain about at the bottom but somehow present it as a spoof on the traditional letter.

I am afraid that the people who send me these terrible letters every year will realize that I am kind of making fun of them. I might just not send it to those people. What do you think?

Cookies

2008-12-27T12:21:00.000-08:00

My favorite character on Sesame Street was always Cookie Monster.
My favorite food has always been cookie dough.
In high school I ate knock off thin mints instead of lunch.

I am like Madonna in Evita,
My entire life has been preparation for this part...
Cookie Manager!

It is day one of girl scout cookie sales. I am trying not to become the crazed cookie lady. Some of you met her last year.

"Cookie Crack Dealer"

She is a little pushy about the cookies. But she gets the job done.
She is going to try not to beg people to buy cookies this year.
But she will be selling them out of the back of her car again this year.
You can find her most nights in the Hendersonville Blockbuster parking lot.

You may want to place your order sooner than latter. After all, I am going to ask you at least three times every time I see you until you place your orders.

The only excuse that works with me is,
"I don't want any cookies. Can I donate money instead?"

If you don't plan to buy or donate, you should avoid me until March 8th.
I am trying not to become obsessed.
Cookie Crack Dealer is to strong. I can't fight her.

o grams trans fat per serving
as if you care

Yule Tide

2008-12-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

An annonymous chicken establish is full of stupid people.
I will not tell you which chicken establishment it was. But I will give you a couple hints.
I am addicted to their sweet T
They have cows in the advertisements.
I will not tell you which location, just that I know the owners, and I live in Herdersonville.

I went in to get a small platter of nuggets for Mad's Christmas party.
I usually do this through the drive through. But the line was to long
The little boy at the register excuses himself to ask the manager.
I am thinking he does not know how to ring it in.

As allways I was the last person in line and there are several people at the register waiting for their food. It is the South so they are also listening to me order.

The manager tells me that at this time of year, you have to have 42 hours notice to get a party tray.
She walks away and I ask the little boy "how many nuggets are on the small tray"
He thinks there are 72.
I giggle a little bit and say, "Can I get 6 12 packs of nuggets?"
He says, "OK"
I hear the lady beside me giggle.
I say, "can I get an assortment of sauces, say three of each"
He says "OK"
I am laughing hard now and so are about three other people.
I say, "can I get a black plastic tray with a lid?"
His manager says "NO. you have to have 42 hours notice."
Laughter fills the air.
And .....
BAM.....
I finally have the Christmas Spirit I have been missing all these weeks!

Les Blondlieness for 20 points Alex

2008-12-16T22:42:00.000-08:00

My cell phone has been on the fritz for weeks.
The battery will not hold a charge.

I had it plugged in all day.
The stupid thing was beeping like it was dying even though it was plugged into the charger.
Are you kidding me with this?
I cussed that phone all day.
Every time it beeped at me I bleeped at it.

Stupid Freakin' phone.

When Chris got home I asked him to look at it and see if he could figure out what is wrong with it. If the charger is missing a prong or something odd like that, I would not be able to see it. Bad Vision.

I borrowed his phone and left the house.
I call him a few minutes later.
He says that while my Stupid Freakin' phone was plugged into the charger it was not plugged into the wall.

At this rate, Destry does not stand a chance.

And because I know some of you are keeping track...
I had Bunco and Book Club tonight.
I did not drink at Bunco on account of driving to Book Club immediately afterward.
Book club is usually BYOB. I barley had time to get a gift for the dirty Santa. No BYOB for me.
And then I remembered that the Christmas meeting comes with festive punch.
I only had one. It was a very large one. But just one.

How Many Points Do I Get?

2008-12-16T12:37:00.000-08:00

School is called off today.
Amie graciously volunteered to let us have the Brownie meeting at her house. Many of the parents had expressed an interest in skipping the meeting. So, I called all the parents to let them know the meeting was off.

When I got to the end of the list,
I started over.

That is right.
I called the first person twice and went through my stick a second time.
She said "you just called me and told me that."

Pretty Blonde, eh Destry.
Am I winning?

One a Day

2008-12-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

So the one a day is not working out to be one a day
More like once in a while

I posted some pictures.

Party Party Party

2008-12-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

Logan had a party on the same night as the Woman's Club Christmas Party.
Because I am a big wussy, I can't let someone else take Logan to the party. Chris had to take him and I went to my party alone.

Because I went alone, Chris was not there to tell me I was drunk and to stop drinking.
When I got home. Thank you Jesus. I don't know how I got home in my state.
When I got home,
Madeline heard the garage door go up and was waiting for me in the laundry room. I set down at the kitchen table. So surprised that she was still there and talking a million miles a minute.
I tried so hard to not fall out of the chair.

It is wrong to be drunk in front of your kids.

I already took Logan to the liquor store that day.
When I was buying the Vanilla Vodka, he told me we should get chocolate V O D K A instead. He spelled it. He said only daddy likes Vanilla the rest of us like chocolate. I calmly told him that word is vodka and it is for a recipe exchange, not for us to keep.
The guy at the liquor store said the bad mothers leave the kids in the car.

I am winning the bed mother of the year award.
The whole drunk in front of Madeline thing was overkill.
The award is definitely mine.

At some point I realize that Madeline has stopped talking and is looking at me like it is my turn to talk. I have no idea what to say. So, I say "Madeline, You did not tell me I look pretty"

She pulls a face.

I say, "Madeline you did not hurt my feelings"
She says, "well your hair is kind of curly and wild, and you have black circles under your eyes."
I say, "do you like my necklace?"
She says, 'Ummm"

I got my feelings hurt and it is all Logan's fault for having a party on the same night as my party.

We also have had a 6 hour birthday party, an spontaneous slumber party erupted, and brunch with Santa.
I still have a book club party and a bunko party.
I am hosting two class parties at the school, a girl scout sleep over at Opryland, and a wrapping party.
11 Parties in 1 week.
I need more vodka.

2 parter

2008-12-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Part 1. Competition

I am a bit competitive.
Destry and I are having a "who is blonder?" contest.

While on the phone with Destry, I left a store at the Streets and walked into a tree branch.
Not brushed up against it with my leg.
Not bumped into it and made some water fall off of it and onto me.
I walked into a huge branch that went SWAT right across my forehead.

Is that my example of being blonde?
No, it is my excuse for what I did next.
I walked into the next store. Found some things to try on. Went to the fitting room. Still on the phone with Destry. Phone started to die. (Broken down junk piece of crap phone) I angrily hung up on Destry threw the phone down and left it there.
I had to go back and get it 7 hours later.
I am claiming head injury as my excuse.
It was a big branch.

Destry is the only person I know who could be considered competition for the likes of me in this type of contest.

I am also having an imaginary competition with Dena.
Dena knows everyone and has all kinds of friends.
To the point where people play 7 degrees of seperation from Dena Nessari.
No Joke.
So, I thought I would see who could have the most friends on facebook. But there are some rules. She can not know about the competition and I can not send out any friend request. It sounds lame, but with these rules it is more of an experiment. We will see what would happen naturally. Then I had a glass of wine at a fashion show and I told her about the contest. The very next day she had 7 new friends. So I sent out 7 friend request. That sounds justified to me.
BTW I am winning.
I have 89 points and she has 67 points.
Did I say points, I meant to say friends.
Ooops

Part 2 Bah Humbug

I usually love Christmas. This year I am barely able to tolerate it. I can't get into getting things for the kids because they are not as excited as normal. I am not even sure Madeline still belileves in Santa. She is usually beside herself with anticipation this close to Christmas.

We put up the decorations down stairs. We never did the upstairs. Finally, I asked Chris to put the boxes back in the garage. I love Christmas decorations. Last year I remember thinking my tree was the most beautiful thing ever. I have barely even noticed it this year.

I have been excited about getting a new phone from Santa. I asked Chris if we could go somewhere while my mom has the kids. I did not expect him to agree to it. But he did. Then I spent all the money. I don't know how I did that or even what I could have bought. Now we can't go anywhere and I can't get a new phone. Chris is sad because the money is gone. I am sad because it did not go far enough.

The list of things I have to do between now and next Friday is out of control. I just want Christmas to be over.

I am still trying to get into it. I am going to have a wrapping party. I will have Martinis, food, tape, scissors, wrapping papper, tags, a baby sitter, and surface space. Bring your own gifts. I am thinking of Wed or Thur. Let me know if you want to come. This could be the most productive Girls Night Out ever.

Blond and Getting Blonder

2008-12-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned that I am grouchy when I'm cold.
The Christmas Parade was not my best moment.

One Funny Funny Funny thing did happen.
First... a little background information.

My friend Destry has recently changed her hair color from very blond to medium blond.
Bless her heart, it just did not help her at all.
A few weeks ago when she was still very blond, she was talking to me on the phone. She was leaving her house and a few minutes after she got in the car, I lost the call. It was odd because (she is also my neighbor) there are no dead zones that close to our house and I was not moving. She called me back and said that when the call dropped she held the phone out from her ear to look at it.

You know, I do that too. Like if I screw up my face just right, the call will return to its rightful place on my phone. It has never worked for me. And it did not work for Destry either.

She did realize that the reason she lost the call was because she was using her cordless phone from the house, not her cell phone.
I don't know if this influenced her decision to darken her hair.

Today her husband was dropping off the float and she was in a different car. I was in a third car. We were all in the same parking lot, and could see each other. Destry and I were also talking on the phone.
She loudly says
"Mark, Mark go over........

oh, he can't hear me"

No Destry, he can't hear you from inside his car with you in a different car and on the phone with me.
She said, I'm so blond.
I said, this is going in my blog!

One more funny thing. Cammie said that next year it would be better if we had the parade inside.
Cammie is a freakin' genious!

Little Miss Perfect Pants

2008-12-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

OK
Yall (yes I said yall)
Yall Christmas people are freaking me out.

I think if you have finished your shopping, wrapped any gifts, started baking, or planed your holiday meals.... you should keep it to yourself.
Why do people feel compelled to say "Oh I'm done" and "I finished in September"?
Who does that?
For us normal people who procrastinate and/or are to busy in September to think about things more than one or two days out...
YOU ARE BEING RUDE
You are rubbing our faces in it.
You are acting superior.

Little Miss Perfect Pants.

I am not like you.
I went out for 4 hours on Black Friday and bought two packages of socks.
They were the wrong size.
I have not bought wrapping paper yet, so I have not wrapped anything yet.
I don't have anything to wrap.
I have spent every minute of this week trying to get things done for the deadlines I have this weekend.
No time for superfluous shopping.
We don't even have any food in our house. Christmas diner?
Well Little Miss Perfect Pants, I guess I am coming to your house to eat.
With all my family.
Take that!

Still Not Feelin' It

2008-11-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

Christmas is upon us. I have been trying to get into the swing of things.
I usually love Christmas. I went to the Southern Christmas Show in Charlotte, I even put up a tree already. Freaky Me.
But I'm just not there.

I thought maybe I would go out for this Black Friday thing. I have never done it. Probably because Bluefield and Shongaloo are not exactly Meccas of sophistication. Hard to get your shop on at the Gas and Go.

I read this article on "Shopping Tips for Black Friday"
Let me translate this to Bluefield's Black Friday

Yahoo says

1. Find the ads: You can find scans of advertisements and other information from major retailers on a variety of sites, like, blah blah blah.

Bluefield has

1. Stores that end in Mart: The only adds for stores in Bluefield that are avialable on any of those sites are Wal-Mart and K-Mart. We have discussed that I am a huge snob and hate Wal-Mart. K-Mart is even worse in my opinion. The K-Mart in Hendersonville does not even have air conditioning. How you gonna run a business that way?

Yahoo says

2. Prioritize your list: It's probably impossible to get every single thing that you want on Black Friday, so prioritize your items so you know exactly what you're getting and where you're getting it.

Bluefield has

2. A liquor store: So I can pretty much buy for everyone on my side of the family. But Chris' family... they are Baptist. Don't know what to do about that.

Yahoo says

3. Learn the rules: Many stores are having special store hours specifically for Black Friday. For instance, Best Buy etc. will be opening at 5am.

Bluefield has

3. A bunch of Drunk Rednecks: I am not trying to stand in line with a bunch of drunk rednecks at 5 am. I will be to hung over for that. Hey, a girl has to stay true to her roots.

Yahoo says

4. Coordinate with others: If you want "doorbuster" sale items from multilple locations, coordinate a "Strike Team" with other Black Friday adventurers to divide and conquer. Additionally, if you can, try and make freinds with others in line. This will not only help pass the time, but it will also keep order and will keep "line=Jumpin" to al minimum.

Bluefied has

4. A bunch of Drunk Highly Edgucated Bitches: My family. While they easily qualify as a "Strike Team" and are some of the most aggressive shoppers I have ever been around, I don't think they will have my back. If we wanted the same item, I think my mom would take me out. Line-Jumping? We are to cute to stand in line. Anyway, if every resident of Bluefield brought their out of town guest to the same store at the same time, you would still be next in line.

Yahoo says

5. Pack accordingly: If you're thinking about waiting in line with just a coat, think again, As someoen who has done many overnight camp-outs, I have to personally, recommend that you bring a fold-out chair, a blanket, something to do (DS, PSP etc).

Bluefield has

5. A True Winter: The low for Thursday night is 34 degress. If you were thinking of camping out in a line with just your coat, they would lock you up. I konw because when you are from the mountains there is pleny of crazy all around. I know crazy when I see it.

Habitual Laundry Abuse

2008-11-23T21:20:00.001-08:00

Today Chris was teasing me. As with all horse play it ended badly. He spilled 2 quarts of crystal lite.
It was everywhere.
We both went straight into the laundry room.
I had to put my clothes and my shoes into the washer asap. I was starting to shiver.
He went for the towels.
He comes back to the laundry room with 5 soaked, but warm towels.

In a flash it hit me, these are the clean towels that have not been out of the dryer for more than five minutes. The ones I folded just before the SOB poured Crystal Lite all over me. He had to step over the dirty towels to get to the clean ones. What is wrong with him? He does this all the time. My hsuband does not understand that you can and SHOULD use dirty towels to clean up spills. I have been trying to train him to use dirty towels for 16 years. This thought process takes .008 seconds.

He picks up my shoe and says "there is standing water in this shoe"

It was so funny, I could not be angry.
And he was right, there was about a quarter of an inch of standing Crystal Lite in my shoe.

Learn Your Place

2008-11-21T07:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a really cool day. By my standards.

I had a breakfast meeting.

Followed by a casual lunch with 12 women.

Then I went shopping for winter coats for my kids.

It's about time. It is snowing today.

I picked Logan up and took him to OT.

I picked Madeline up and the kids got hair cuts.
(thanks Lori they look great)

I dropped them at home and went straight to a function at Bluegrass.
It was so fun.
Shopping, Wine, a Fashion Show.
I saw a lot of people I know. I made a new friend. I made plans to see friends I have not talked to since the pool closed. The fashion show was hilarious. Knowing the models and watching them be silly is fun.

On the way home I stopped at Rite Aid to buy some zip lock bags and food for the kids lunches.
All in all, a low stress fun day.
I was thinking I was so glamorous as I checked my voice mail. My sister called. The one who is a real fashion designer and goes to real fashion shows in NY during fashion week. The one who has never heard of Stein Mart and was very curious about the weird crock shoes. The one who's employer sends her to Europe to do research. Research means shop and bring back "inspiration" items. The one who is so beautiful people tend to stare at her with their mouths open. The last time someone starred at me it was because I had fallen down in front of about 40 people at the Science Center. Stone cold sober.

Hmm.
Maybe you just can't be glamorous in Hendersonville. Maybe the best we can hope for is to not look like drag queens in our attempt to be pretty.

Redneck Ninja Bitch

2008-11-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

I would like to tell you a story about Redneck Ninja Bitch.
Imagine banjo music in the background.

My friend, let's call her Hara, recently beat up a soda machine in the Wal-Mart parking lot, in her pajamas.
Sounds like one of my friend doesn't it?

Sarah, I mean Hara, put money in the machine.
Then she said "Oh Hell No"
Then she took off her rings and put them in her purse.
Then she put her hair up.
It Was ON.

Security showed up.
She glared at the 2.5 and said "I need a Grape Nehi"
He heard the edge in her voice and turned on his heel.
I don't know if he was going for back up or just backing up.

What I do know is this...
If a sister takes her rings off and puts her hair up...
that could be your only chance to run.
If that sister is Sarah, I mean Hara, running is your only chance.

Cracking Up

2008-11-16T20:35:00.001-08:00

This information in not relevant. It is just a funny story I remembered today.

It is kind of sad.

Except for the parts where you laugh until you cry or pee.

My Uncle Allen married Betty.

Betty lost her everyliving mind.

She is crazy.

My Dad says she is not scary crazy. She is fun crazy.

Here is an example of Betty and Fun Crazy.

Betty has plastic deer in her front yard.

Betty lives in a very cold climate.

It snows all the time.

When it snows, Betty runs an extention cord and puts electric blankets on her plastic deer.

911 We Have a Video Game Emergency

2008-11-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

Last night, around midnight, I am getting in bed to sleep. My husband says to me, I have to run out for a minute.

What?

There is some emergency situation involving a video game that is being released at this very moment.

Oh, I understand. We can't have that. You must go to Game Stop asap. What if they run out and you can't get this video game until noon.

I fall asleep.
Now it is 2:30.
Chris is not in bed. This is not odd. Chris almost never sleeps.
But he is not playing his video game.
I start to set up and he is standing right beside me.
Aye
You can't do that to a person at 2:30am.

Then he starts telling me all the drama related to the emergency purchase of this video game.

Um, can you be quiet now. I don't know if you noticed this at any point in the last 16 years, but I don't care for video games. I'm kind of in the middle of something here. Something called sleep. I know you don't do it. But I am really into it. Sleep is my favorite hobby.

Tomorrow I am going out of town to visit my friend Sarah.
At first this was to be a three or four day weekend. Then Chris said you can stay a few more days if you want.

Allow me to translate. He said, go away I want to play with my new video game.

I arranged with Sarah to arrive on Friday and leave on Tuesday.
5 days

Chris suggested staying one more day.

Umm, Sarah has a job. She can't just hang out with me for the rest of our lives.

Chris was disappointed.
This had nothing to do with the fact that I have not seen Sarah in a year. It was something about how I always talk to him right when he is trying to kill a dragon.

I don't want to be the one to tell him that dragons don't exist.

BIG RED FLAG

2008-11-12T08:57:00.002-08:00

Check out the pictures link.
I
did it.
Lots of Pictures and they are all for you.

2008-11-12T08:57:00.001-08:00

Check out the pictures link. I did it.

Titles are for Losers

2008-11-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

You have to click on Destry's blog. It is the one on the right called Anyhoo...
She did this really fun thing today.
You can't make this stuff up.
He He

We were on the way home from Brentwood today and my kids were fighting in the car. It was one of those things where they were laughing, then crying, then telling on each other, then laughing again. At some point Madeline really did get hurt. Oh yeah, right after Logan threw a box at her head.

So, I am doing my thing where I try to make them understand that it was nobody's fault and basically if you act a fool...

This is how I do it, why did you throw that at your sister?
Why did you throw it at your brother first?
Why did you throw it at your sister before that?
Etc.

Logan finally perks up and says

"She made me start the fight"
And then very patiently as if he were explaining why the sky is blue to a toddler,
"Mom, You know how Brothers and Sisters like to annoy each other"

I have said it before and I will say it again.
That kid is fun!

I am hoping that by stating this publicly, I will be forced to do it. I am so far behind on my one a day picture blog. Uhg, I can't even think about it. My plan is to do a funny day in the life photographic documentary. I will take pictures all day long tomorrow. You may even get some funny pictures of me trying to wake up. Waking Up - Not one of my skills. Tomorrow is a pretty standard day and should help answer some of those "what do you do all day" questions. Suffice to say, I find plenty of ways to get into trouble.

If it is mid day on Wed. and you have not seen a post with pictures in it (under the one a day link) you will need to fuss at me until I do it. But, after I have done it, I am calling it even on one a day photos. I will start over with the 13th of November.
Do we have a deal?

Quotes from the Crazziest People on Earth

2008-11-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

Amy:
I have missed to much to get into all of it tonight. I am feeling better but I have a concussion. More later.
11-6

Rachel:
AMY you can't just say I have a concussion and not explain yourself. I can see that I am going to have to come up there and let you know about yourself. We have rules. Oh btw I am pregnant and Chris is not the father. NOT. You see my point, you can't just say shit and move on.
11-6

Sarah:
Good point Rachel. I liked the dramatic interjection about you having an extra-marital baby. NOT.
11-6

Natalie:
AMY!!! You have a concussion? I hope you're ok. I've had a couple of those in my life. Not fun. Feel better soon!
11-6
(I am probably the only person on earth with friend who have all had concussions and discuss the situation without alarm)

Beth:
I called Amy immediately after reading her post. I have the scoop. But I don't wanna say cause she will start calling me Mouth of the South again. Suffice to say she's alright. The rest of the story is best told by her.
Beth (Amy's Twin Sister)
11-7

Sarah:
We need to hear from Amy. Concussion?
11-7

Amy:
Halloween:
Had a few glasses of wine, went trick or treating in an RV... Yes you read that correctly.
Came home, friends over, had another glass... 1 too many.
Ran upstairs to get kids...
trip
head into dry wall, hole in dry wall, Amy unconscious... Not good.
Kid tried to call 911, very scary.
Better now, dry wall patched up like it never happened. All is well. Feeling better today, for first time.
Love to all goodnight.
Amy
11-7

That is some kind of funny. Amy is the most conservative friend I have. It might seem a bit odd that not one of us asked any questions about trick-or-treating in an RV. Compared to all the crazy we represent, this hardly deserves a mention.

2008-11-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

I have a secret.
I am a bleeding heart liberal.
I live in a red state.
Not wise to share this information with just anyone.
People think you are nice and they assume that you are a conservative republican.
Because Democrates are rude?
Or because we are without morals?
IDK
Here is the thing. I understand that you are upset and that you think we are all going to shrivel up and die. I know some of you think Obama is a Muslim who will tax us until we have to live in poppers prisons and he is going to give all of our money to lazy people who have never worked a day in their lives and never intend to.
I know you feel this is the end of the good old days.
I know because I felt like that when W was elected.
I cried.
I was devastated. I am not going to say I told you so. What with the state of things. Because this is not at all what I expected. I expected Row Vs Wade to be overthrown. I pictured Madeline having an abortion in the back of a van with wizards painted on the side. I thought that the school systems would have less funding. I thought my kids would be attending schools in dried out creek beds with sticks to write in the dust. I was wrong. Gasp. Did I just say that?

So, while out of one side of my mouth I am talking about politics, out of the other side of my mouth I am going to offer some words of caution.
Let's all shut up.
We are hurting each others feelings.
It's to personal. It's to touchy. We are all to sensitive at this moment.

2008-11-05T16:55:00.001-08:00

Christy, Can you please get a promotion already? I could really use some support. I just can't raise Chris by myself. He is stubborn and disobediant.

Listen to this crazy story.
Today we had lunch together. Oh how sweet.
As soon as I get there he tells me he has had a dizzy spell and almost canceled lunch because he could not get up from his desk. He almost feel asleep at the table.

Yesterday, the doctor said he had Bronchitis. He insist that he can leave lunch and go to work. Even though he was to dizzy to walk. I went to the store and bought him some meds. I took the meds to his work. He can barely walk to the car. Again, he insist that he has to be at work. Does this sound a bit arragont to you? Will the entire corporate structure crumble without him?

I go about my day. I mean, I don't know how to raise a willfull child. What am I suppose to do? Anyway, he is insured (JK, Dang it).
I get home with the kids, check my e-mail and in he stumbles, litteraly stumbles.
He has been asleep ever since.

This is where you come in Christy, get promoted and send his sorry &@$%#!! home.
Fifty Bucks says he goes to work tomorrow.
Any takers?

Who Do You Think You Are?

2008-11-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

So, I live in the suburbs of Nashville.
Music City.
You can't throw a cat without hitting someone who is famous or thinks they are famous.
I miss out on a lot of excitement because I don't know who these people are.

I had an annoying phone conversation with some loser named Gary Allen. Then I see him in People magazines "Most Beautiful Issue." Not for nothing but the man is a player. I had no idea he was a bid deal when I started hearing people talking about him going out with this girl and that girl and cheating on all of them. I would stay away.

I was at the grocery. This older women was in front of me in line for the deli counter. She was sporting some major bling. She had blackish blueish hair. She was heavily perfumed. When she left the counter the grocery staff was freaking out. I didn't even ask.
This would make a great story if I knew who she was.....

We had our school carnival last Saturday. I know that Dierks Bentley has a band member at our school. Dierks donated a signed guitar. Cool. We have a bunch of Cash grandchildren and parents who play professional sports. We even have a few radio personalities who send their kids to Jack Anderson. So, there was this guy at the auction who obviously had a stylist. I say obviously, because he was not putting off the gay vibe. I heard it was Dierks. I heard it was Brad Paisley. I looked up booth their pictures and NO, it was not either one of them. I also heard it was Keith Urban. It did look like him. With that little tuff of hair under the lip. But, it doesn't seem likely. HMM?
This would make a great story if I knew who he was..........

I was in line to vote today. The guy in front of me was older, 70's. He was very tall and thin. He had the look. Not gay, but there must be a stylist involved. People kept coming up and shaking his hand. Last name starts with A-D. That is why he was in front of me. I am a C. Never figured out who he was. But, this beautiful and obviously styled women walks over and says "Do you remember meeting me? I am Lori Morgan. I would like you to meet my father, blah blah blah" Also in the gym today was the whatever his name is Golden. The drummer for the Oak Ridge Boys. When I left the school Golden and his wife were falling all over themselves sucking up to the guy who was in front of me in line.
This would make a great story if I knew who he was........

You see Mindy McCready everywhere. Just step over her, she will wake up in a few hours.

All Messed up on Frosting

2008-11-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, here is my report on the cake baking extravaganza.

Logan and I looked at pictures of novelty cakes online. This was the begging of the end.
I was looking at this cake with gummy spiders on it. Logan was looking at the American Flag, and Uncle Sam Hat.
Logan, "Halloween is over. It is almost Election Day."

UHG

I hear Wally's World has this pre-made Fondant Icing that you just roll out and through on the cake. So, off to Wally's World. Turns out that purchasing enough fondant would cost about 100 bucks so I just get enough for the stripes and the stars.
7 cake mixes, four tubs of icing, 21 eggs, 8 sticks of butter, 4 new cake pans

I start making cakes. This is the easy part. I get three pans to fit in the oven. While they are cooling we decide to go to the grocery.

I start frosting the 18x22 cake that will become the flag. Turns out 4 tubs of icing is not enough. Turns out that is not enough fondant for the stripes. So, I will use food coloring and regular frosting.
Back to Wally's World.
2 one gallon tubs of Wilton's decorator's frosting, and one jar of red food coloring, a small star cookie cutter

I noticed that my fingernails are blue from the previous issue with food coloring.

Oh great, it turns out my regular frosting is off white when compared to this white icing I have just bought. So, I re-ice the flag.

I roll out and cut the fondant for the stars.

My red icing is pink.
Hmm
There are some negative associations with PINK and Patriotism. Think Communism.
So, off to Wally's World for
EVERY Jar of Red Food Coloring they have

4 hours later
I have to admit that by the time we went to the auction. I did not even care.
Our cake brought in $165.

Chris helped me hold up straight edges to make the stripes. He coughed all over the cake.
Logan sneezed all over it.
The frosting tasted like toxic waste.
I am not even sure the cake was completely coked in the middle.
Chris transported the cake in the back of his van. Think Health Department.

Someone got ripped off.

Edward Collins?

2008-10-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

Oh Sarah, you must read the series. It is your kind of literature.

Bethany, this is teenager angst at its finest. I mean, who doesn't want to fall in love with a vampire? It has always been one of my goals.

Christy, my husband is pulling for Jacob because he is Jacob. I have finished book two. So, I may have some incomplete thoughts here. As I was reading the book I kept thinking, you might love Edward, but you don't actually become a vampire. You settle down with the dog. Anyway, I am to cold natured to cuddle with someone who is cold. Wolfboy would be like havng an electric blanket.
I am making excuses for Chris.
I love Edward.

Speaking of teenage angst..
When did I grow up?

Earlier this week, I had to go inside the bank for some reason. Odd how infrequently one has to go inside the bank. I was looking around to figure out what line to get into. I caught myself thinking, "The teller is probably rolling her eyes. She is thinking 'Why do I have to wait on this kid'" And then, it ocurred to me, I am not a kid. I am an old lady. I have kids.
When did that happen?

I am still trying to learn to answer to Mrs. Collins. Seriously, who is this Mrs. Collins person?
I am Rachel or Rachie or Rach or Mrs. Rachel if your nasty.
See, that is kind of my point. I never knew a grown up who randomly quoted Janet Jackson.

I don't feel like a grown up.
My internal dialogue often involves statements that begin, "When I grow up.."
OH NO
I am grown up.
I don't think Edward likes old chics.

Book Club as seen through the eyes of a sober person.

2008-10-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

Very interesting.
I went to book club without alcohol.
It was not as much fun.
Hmm?

Next month we are having a Cabi party on Friday night. With and invite to spend the night if we can't drive. The next morning we are having a private showing of Twilight.
Twilight with a hangover.
Fun.

I am big into these private showings. It is cheaper than the regular movies. You just have to have 25 people.

Movie theater popcorn for breakfast.
Life just doesn't get any better than that.

As it turns out I am not the only person who is infatuated with a fictional character. That would be Edward. Oh, have you heard that November 21st (The day Twilight opens in theaters) is national skip school day.
Nice.
Just one more reason for private showings.
No teenagers!

Frustration

2008-10-28T21:44:00.000-07:00

UGH
I really need to rant about my husband.

But he is listening.

He makes fun of my for having a blog. But he checks it every morning.
Humm

I never did the secret super blog.
I must get right on it.

I am feeling hostile.
Like PINK
"I think I lost my husband, I don't know where he went.
Gonna drink all my money, not going to pay his rent."
You know, the "I want to start a fight" song.

It is ok to bore all of you with this late night crazy nonsense post because it helps me feel better. And because Chris will think this is about him not managing the kids school work well. Duh

Food Drive

2008-10-25T16:51:00.001-07:00

I know I talk about "The Diva's" all the time. My Brownie troop is just full of sweetness. I can't help that.

At our last meeting, they were all practicing their waves for the Christmas Parade.
Today we had a private showing of High School Musical 3. There was dancing, singing, swinging on the rails, romping in the chairs... I even saw a few cartwheels and one back handspring. It was fun fun fun.

The best part and the part that I have been preoccupied with all day, is this.
One of the little divas reminded me to talk to the Moms about the "abitat fing". That would be our decision to stock the pantry for a Habitat for Humanity house. You know the "abitat fing".

I often rely on the girls to tell me what to do next. I was so surprised that after all the excitement. Everytime I saw one of the girls at school this week all they could talk about was HSM3. Madeline even said this was going to be the best day of her life. She is a diva. And after all the foolishness and silliness at the theater. One of the girls remembered that we are planning a food drive.

How cool is that?

Divas get the job done. They have food drives. They earn try-its like they are obssesed. One girl missed the movie and decided it was ok because she got a movie fun patch when we went to see the American Girl movie. Those little sassy girls are eat up with patches. They plant fowers. They sleep over in museums. Last but not least, they sell the tar out of cookies. I have never seen anything like it. Those little punks sold over 3,200 boxes of cookies last year.
Cha Ching

Fruit Flies are Funny

2008-10-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have recently been reminded of something Logan did when he was about 5. He is so cute.

We were having trouble with fruit flies for no apparent reason.
We had no fruit.

I was doing something in the dinning room. I smelled bananas and noticed more fruit flies.
Odd
I started sniffing.
I found a drawer with bananas that were so old they looked like little black objects the size of your thumb.
Logan loves bananas.

I say "Logan did you put some bananas in this drawer?"
With complete innocence he says, "yes".
I say, "Logan there are only two good places for bananas. In the fruit bowl or in your tummy. Don't put bananas anywhere else."
Then I made him repeat it back to me.

About 3 weeks later, more fruit flies. I immediately went to the drawer.
"LOGAN"
"Where do we put bananas?"
With complete innocence Logan says, "In the fruit bowl, in our tummies, and this drawer is a good place."

You can't argue with that.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2008-10-22T18:35:00.000-07:00

Thank Sarah

Crafty Kitchen HA

2008-10-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

Chris is out of trouble and I did not form a secret blog.

I have all these crazy things on my schedule for the next couple of weeks.
Keep in mind that I am not crafty or domestic in anyway.

Logan has a book report. He has to dress up as a character from the book. His book is called "My Fuzz" He wants to be a Prairie Dog covered in fuzz from a tennis ball and wearing a hat that is made out of a glass bottle top. I don't think they have that at Party City. I know I don't have the skills to pull this one off. Logan is spoiled and he is my baby, so I will come up with something.
Oh My.

I have two baskets in the schools auction. I have all kinds a fabulous things for the "Hannah Montana" basket. The hardest part for me is packaging and wrapping the basket. I have blocked out the entire week to wrap the basket. The other basket is "Crayola". In that class I have a co-room mom and she says that she is good at wrapping baskets. So, one week should be long enough to wrap one basket. Oh, did I mention that I have to build a desk and book shelf and wrap up my stuff on the bookshelf and desk and then wrap both pieces of furniture in one big mess of cellophane and put a big old bow on it.
Oh My.

I have to help paint faces at the schools carnival. I have been practicing straight lines all day. I can't do it. If I can't make a straight line with a pen... How am I suppose to paint a wiggly child's face.
Oh My.

I am helping with the concession stand at the carnival. I know that if they want to avoid issues with liability insurance, I will be the cashier. But what if they ask me to watch the food so it doesn't burn. This could be a major fire hazard. If you read about it in the paper you will know what really happened.
Oh My.

I have to donate items for a bake sale.
'Nuf Said

And the worst and most stressfull of all........
"Fella's Cake Bake"
OH NO YOU DIDN'T
That is right. Logan and I are suppose to make a cake to be auctioned off at his Boy Scout meeting. And you know those den mothers can get snipy if you show up with a cake from Publix. This is just horrible. I can't even think of how to act or what to do about this one. I wanted to practice by making trial cakes. Chris made fun of me. I could tell he was going to pick at me if I started making trial cakes. So, I let it go. Last year the cake we bought ($90) was actually three huge cakes shapped like the pyramids with yellow icing and it had crushed graham crackers (sand) all over it. $90 for a cake that went down the garbage disposal. The worst part..............wait for it.................. it was not even chocolate. You can bet your gadunkadunk that whatever I show up with will be chocolate. I can't say it will be eatable, transport to the meeting in one peice, look like anything, or even be home made. As God as my witness, it will be chocolate. Who ever heard of shuch a thing?

BTW if you ordered from my kids for the school fund raiser, your stuff will be here this week.
If you want to order Pop Corn from Logan for Boy Scouts, let me know asap. The sale is almost over.
Thank you for supporting my kids and all their fundraising. I promise we will not be selling anything again until Girl Scout Cookies. Just let me know when it is time to buy from your kids. I will be happy to. Even if I have to sell my husband to the circus to pay for it. OK, especially if I have to sell my husband to the circus.

More Picture

2008-10-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have more pictures on the One a Day

Photos

2008-10-18T17:00:00.001-07:00

I am not caught up, but I did add some new pictures.

Yowza

2008-10-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

I just reread an old post.
I have a list of things not to do when I am drunk.
The usual stuff like drive, play tennis, swim, and pack lunches.
I also have a friend who keeps track of things I have done when I was to drunk to pull it off.
Read
Make Cookies
Facebook
Ride a Tram
Wash My Car
Go to the Grocery
Buy her a Gift
Call Chris
Order from a Drive Through
Use an Escalator

This list has accumulated over many years. It is not as bad as it sounds. Except for the Tram Ride, that was worse than it sounds.

One more thing to add to the list. Do not post drunk. These days that can be restated as do not post after book club.

This same friend keeps track of my driving mishaps. I have a theory. If you need a tow truck it was an accident. If you don't need a tow truck, it was an incident. If you get your car stuck on a hill between a tree and a big rock and one wheel is not touching the ground and you are about to call a tow truck when some Bubbas show up and lift your car up and carry it down the hill..... this is an incident. No truck, no accident.

Gotta to love the Bubbas.
I use to think car maintaince was when you opened the hood, removed the dip stick and looked confused. Bubbas would surround you and change your oil, air filter, rotate and balance your tires, fill up your windshield wiper fluid, and whatever else Bubbas do. You would be back on the road in under 6 minutes. Bubbas should work as Pit Crews for NASCAR. Oh wait, they do.

Back to the Accident versus Incident issue.

There are times that require a tow truck and still don't count as accidents. Like when you hit a deer. This is an act of God. Even if it is the third time you hit a deer. God is trying to kill them quickly so they don't starve to death. How can that be an accident? Flat tires and mechanical issues are also excluded. Even if you got the flat tire because you hit something.

My running total of accidents is 4. Incidents do not require documentation.
I was sobber everytime.

Swallow This

2008-10-15T21:33:00.000-07:00

Destry knows how to accomplish secret blog. I will set up a secret blog and even share it with you. If you don't have an e-mail from me by Monday, then leave a comment and let me know you want in. Destry said we can have a community blog and all write about our stupid husbands. This is brilliant.

If anyone tells Chris how to find the blog, I will egg your house.

I am reading the Twilight series. So, naming the blog "Vampire Wives" appeals to me. Or maybe "Blood Sucking Bimbos". No derogatory. How about "We don't Swallow." OMG now I know it is time to go to bed.
Later

Secret Agent Chic

2008-10-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

I need a secret blog. One that Chris does not know about.

I need to tell you about all the stupid stuff he does.

For example,
Last night,

I was talking to him about how maybe Lee Anne should only come every other week and we could clean on the off weeks. I told him he would have to help clean.

He Said,

"I don't think it should be 50/50."

I felt sorry for him.

I would like to share the consequences of his foolishness with you. I can't, because he is listening.

Any suggestions for a top secret blog?
I need a name that he will never think of.

Madeline has her first zit. What kind of skin care should I get for her? Where should we go for the products? I want to get good quality stuff. Chris and I both had bad acne and we both still get zits at 34 and 36. So, Madeline needs an arsenal.

Rachel Zoe

2008-10-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

When I was in High School in a little small town, I was the only Rachel around.
Often I would meet someone from the other side of town (different High School) and they would say, "I have heard of you, Rachel Hunter, right?"

Ha
I love it.
Hunter, Archer.
I see where the confusion would come in. Except for the super model thing.

Three times in the last week I have had "I have heard of you, Rachel Zoe, right?"
Zoe, Collins. I don't see it.

Not to mention Rachel Zoe is annoying.
I Die
Bananas.

Sorry this post is boring. I had to get that off my chest.

Look to the Right

2008-10-06T19:00:00.001-07:00

According to my husband, he has taken a poll and I need to announce when I update the photos.

I updated the photos. Click the photo a day thing on your right. When you get down to the 6th photo or so, you will need to click on the see older blogs thingy.

I know I am still behind on the photos. Cut me some slack. I posted three times today (including this one).

I posted to soon

2008-10-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

My cousin Jeanie and her Girlfriend are going to be Sarah Palin and Cindy McCain as lesbian lovers for Halloween.

This is what she said..... we'll both have up-dos, pearls, skirt suits, heels, toy guns, and tags that say "drill baby drill". And maybe some rainbow somewhere in our ensembles to indicate that we're lesbians. OMG how funny is that?

I want to be Sarah Palin for Halloween.

It is better than my original idea of Yo Momma.

Alright Already I will post... something.....

2008-10-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

My life has been pretty boring lately.
I have been wondering about something.
Have I changed or has Cosmo Magazine changed?

I use to read it. I liked the quizzes.

I recently read one of their stories about why men dump women that they really like. And another on how to snag a rich man. Rich man means income above 104K a year. Not my idea of rich, but whatever.

At the book store I noticed they have Cosmo Girl (ages 9-13). The cover was "How to reinvent yourself" Really? Madeline will never read trash like that. Reinvent a nine year old. It is hard enough for our daughters to find out who they are without something putting ideas in their heads about needing to change who they are. Grrrr. Momma Bear moment.

Back to the grown up Cosmo. The article about why men dump women they like. It said stuff like, they were not ready to settle down, they were in like not love, they were looking for someone better, they liked her to much and were afraid of getting hurt. Um, Duh. It has always amazed me how some of the women in my life have such bad judgment. I mean, how can they be attracted to someone who is looking to upgrade? In my day, we called those guys jerks. How can they not realize that the person they are with is still a child, and they are looking for a man who can make a commitment? Do these women also have faulty gaydars? Was there really a time in my life that I did not know this stuff? Apparently so. I did read the magazine.

The article about snagging a rich guy... funny. It had all these interesting facts about rich men.

What cities they live in. San Fransico, oh my gaydar went off. Washington DC, been there done that, never again. Anchorage, haha let's all move to Alaska to marry a rich guy. Brrr

They have gold digger radar. Basically, with your busted up gaydar and all the notes you are taking while reading this, he is going to see you coming from a mile away. If he misses you, his gay friends will tell him all about you.

He watches a lot of porn on the internet. Just what I have allways looked for in a mate.

They feel entitled to arm candy. About 3 people reading this blog are still elligable.

They don't want a dummy either. They want you to look and act like a Jenna Jameson but with a refined well educated twist. Now there is only 1 person reading this blog that qualifies. I don't have many refined friends.

They preffer Brunettes. And then there were none. To my knowledge not one person reading this blog is qualified to mary a rich man. They say there are more brunettes in the world than blonds. That is not the case in TN.

You may be thinking, my husband does make that much money. According to Cosmo you just don't deserve your husband. What does love have to do with it?

You may be thinking, oh is that how I ended up in the middle class. According to Cosmo it is because you were not a successfull huntress. Or you just did not measure up to those who were on the hunt with you. There is very little to do with meeting that special person and faling in love. You have to be a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, and live in Alaska, and be brunette, and be down with internet porn, and be a master manipulater who can disquise her gold digging ways.

Fighting With One Hand Tied Behind My Back

2008-10-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

Did you watch the debate tonight?
Speaking of Bullshit..
Yes that was a little random, try to keep up, you are about to read an rant.
I have PMS

Back in the day when I had a job, I was in sales. Sometimes I sold clothes. Sometimes I sold car insurance. Sometimes I sold investments and financial products. It is all the same. Just a different commission structure. Recently I have been selling non-profit organizations in the form of fund-raising. I don't get paid for this although I did at one time.

I also volunteer at the school. The time I could spend raising money or if I had a job earning money, I spend tearing sheets out of workbooks and stapling them together. You know, the work they ask you to do because trained monkeys are not available. Fine, Whatever. I get to observe the teachers and my kids in the classroom. Very valuable.

The biggest part of being a room mom is the fund-raising. We do this huge Fall Carnival. We have carnival rides outside. Each class does a game or activity. Each class contributes a "basket" to the live auction. The "baskets" have retails values of $500 to $9000. They have included a boat, a pool table, living room furniture, vacations, etc. I heard there was going to be a quartere horse in one this year. In the grand scheme of my life, this is the most ineffective way I have ever raised money. It takes huge amounts of man hours to solicit the donations from other parents and businesses. I always end up spending my own money. Chris gets mad at me. Fine Whatever. There are rules to how a school can go about raising money. The school needs the money. I will do whatever they need me to do in whatever way they need me to do it. That is how important this is to me.

One of my baskets is "Hannah Montana". The other is "Crayola". Yes I have a co room mom in that class. I am not artistic and would not have chosen crayola as a theme. I asked the lady in charge of baskets how I could make this a better basket. She suggested a trip to the Crayola factory in Pa. Oh, I did not know they had that. It is a great way to increase the value of this basket. So, I call and buy the tickets for admission. Problem, it is 16 hours away. So, I write a letter to see if a parent in the class could donate miles or advantage points to get us airline tickets. I have to get the letter approved by the PTO ladies. I have been doing this for four years. Letters used to get approved by the principle. I have never had a letter not get approved. This year, I have had two out of two declined. One was the exact same letter that another mom sent and had approved. I was told I can not ask for something that expensive. Interesting, because they sure as Hell expect you to have things that are that expensive. Could someone please tell me how I am suppose to get airline tickets if I can't ask for them? Is it likely that someone has lots of unused miles. I would say yes, it is. Is it likely that they will give them to me if they don't know I need them? I would say no, it is not. Is it likely they will think "Crayola" I know just what to donate, my miles? I would say no, it is not.

This is why PTOs and PTAs induce the responses that they do. This is why (thank you Jesus) people say, "I would not have thought you were the PTO type"

Is it likely I will calm down by tomorrow? I will let you know on that one.

2008-09-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Logan had his IEP today.
I have decided to keep my husband after all.
He is a pretty good person to have at an IEP meeting.

I managed to get all the shopping done for the Brownie meeting. We made kites, wind socks, balloon rockets, and ring gliders. The balloon rockets did not work. I am still saying we earned the badge. It is not uncommon at all for me to say "Technically, the girls did not earn the badge. But I earned it in spades. So, we are getting that badge." The Princesses were extra sassy today.

Book Club was fun. As predicted, after just one drink, I remembered that I like these women.
I can't tell if I am drunk because I have not tried walking yet.
Walking seems to be the primary diagnostic tool for the drunk/sober issue.

My hands smell like garlic and basil. If they smell like this in the morning and I am hung over, it will not be pretty.

Let's all do the no hang over dance. Cha Cha Cha

Fairy Land

2008-09-29T07:26:00.000-07:00

Brace yourself this is going to be long and gross.

I recently read an article abut how to clean your house in 19 minutes. This article was written by someone who lives in fairy land.

Fairy Kitchen
• Wipe down the sink after doing the dishes or loading the dishwasher (30 seconds).
• Wipe down the stove top (one minute).
• Wipe down the counters (one minute).
• Sweep, Swiffer, or vacuum the floor (two minutes).

My Kitchen

Wipe down the sink after collecting dishes from all over house and loading dishwasher. If they don't all fit in dishwasher put some in microwave and some in pantry and some in fridge until done. (20 minutes)
Wipe down counters after hiding stacks of paper. Putting kids stuff back in back packs and throwing away remnants of husbands attempt to pack lunch. (10 minutes)
Wipe down stove. First spray with oven cleaner and leave for 15 minutes. Oh crap where did that pan come from. More dishes. Just put the pan in the oven. (5 minutes of hard scrubbing 15 minutes for oven cleaner to soak in 32 minutes to find oven cleaner or purchase a new can so that you can find the other one when you return from Target)
Sweep, Swiffer, or vacuum the floors. Go to H crazy lady. My fingers feel like they are about to fall off from the weird chemicals in the oven cleaner. Belle get in here and eat the food off the floor. Don't we have any chocolate. Score, bakers chocolate. Not yummy but, it does have the proper hormone therapy needed at times like this. (28 minutes to find chocolate in way back of top shelf of cabinet, 47 minutes to put everything back in cabinet)

Fairy Bathroom
• Wipe out the sink (30 seconds). Wipe the toilet seat and rim (15 seconds).
• Swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (15 seconds).
• Wipe the mirror and faucet (15 seconds).
• Squeegee the shower door (30 seconds).
• Spray the entire shower and the curtain liner with shower mist after every use (15 seconds).

My Bathroom

Throw everything on sink into drawer or basket. Wipe out sink. (3 minutes per sink, 12 minutes to dispose of broken glass and wipe up spilled cosmetics)
Wipe the toilet seat and rim (3 minutes of hard labor, 17 minutes of gagging and vomiting, 12 minutes staring at new mess caused by vomiting - bakers chocolate and mystery substances found in toilet induced vomiting)
Swoosh the toilet bowl with a brush (0 seconds, I don't have a brush so crazy lady can stick it in her ear. I am not putting my hand in there.)
Skip the rest of this stuff and go blog. (0 seconds, I just stepped in something. I can ignore that. I am sticking with the 0 seconds.)
Repeat for two other bathrooms

Fairy Bedroom
• Make the bed (two minutes).
• Fold or hang clothing and put away jewelry (four minutes).
• Straighten out the night-table surface (30 seconds).
My Bedroom
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
This Fairy Lady should come see my bedroom.
Toys, dishes, food wrappers, boxes of cereal, mysterious ewwys in tissues, children's art projects, broken computer equipment, at least three days worth of laundry, enough dog hair to make Cruella DeVille jealous, a dog asleep on the unmade bed, clothes piled up on hubbies nightstand, about 50 books 2 of which are not children's books, etc.

Fairy Living Room
• Pick up crumbs and dust bunnies with a hand held vacuum (one minute).
• Fluff the cushions and fold throws after use (two minutes).
• Wipe tabletops and spot-clean cabinets when you see fingerprints (one minute).
• Straighten coffee-table books and magazines, throw out newspapers, put away CDs and videos (two minutes.)

My Living Room

Pick up crumbs and dog hair and small toys with hand held vacuum. (26 minutes, I had to empty it three times and no you can't suck up a bag of crushed Doritos's)
Fluff the ha ha, put all that crap in the garage or some closet, fluff the... faeries are so funny (3 minutes)
Wipe tabletops and scrub off the slimy sticky stuff. Is that applesauce or pudding? Let me taste it to find out. Gag, I think it was a bugger. I just ate a bugger. Please Lord let it belong to one of my kids. Gag (47 minutes. This time after vomiting you have to lay down and rest and clean the toilet again.)
Straighten the what.. (0 seconds. I don't have any of that stuff. Fairies should use DVR, Net Flix and MP3 players)
She forgot about the other two living areas.
She forgot the couch the cat pees on.
She forgot the dinning room.
She forgot the toy room.
She forgot the Laundry room.
What is that smell. Eww it is the oven cleaner.
Burn Candles
In fact, Burn everything. Fire is one way to eliminate dirt.

Princesses Do NOT Live in Reality

2008-09-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am hosting book club this month.
You may recall that I shared my alarm after remembering the unusual interest some of the women displayed in seeing my house.
I still don't get it. My friends tell me it is a Southern thing.
Kind of like a form of gossip?

I love to gossip. Do you know anything good? I promise not to tell.

Beau, the neighbor's son, is coming over tomorrow to clean my baseboards and doors. I can't bring myself to do it. The rest, I can handle.
I am as calm as a cucumber.

Until... one of my kitchen chairs breaks.
Technically it was already broken.
Now it only has 3 legs.
I show this broken chair to my hubby.

He says,
"We are not getting a $300 desk. We don't have the money and we are not going into debt for this. We can just use another chair. Our finances are going in the wrong direction." I think he kept talking but I could not swear to it. He can be such a drama king. (I was a financial planner. Our finances are not going in the wrong direction. But, I could change all that by opening a charge account at a furniture store. You know, once you break the seal...)

I felt like saying "I don't want a $300 desk. I want a $600 table. I already have it picked out. Book club you fool. I can't have junked up mismatched chairs at my kitchen table for book club. BOOK CLUB."

But instead, I was calm and just stared at him like he had two heads. Frankly, this entire situation gets on my nerves. I mean, I am a princess, I can't talk about the reality of personal finances. Reality is defiantly a taboo subject for Princesses. I think it was rather rude of him to speak to me about reality. I don't like it when people tell me no. And before I even asked. I told you he can read my mind. How did he know I was not going to say, "Can you move the dinning room table in here?" He thinks he is so smart.

So, does anyone have a gorgeous kitchen table I can borrow for one evening?

Not Happy

2008-09-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

If you live in Hendersonville you have probably had this thought
"Is that guy homeless, he looks homeless, homeless people don't jog. hmmm?"
Yes, I am talking about the jogger on New Shackle Island Road. The guy with the hair and the worn out clothes.
You were right to wonder. Homeless people are not healthy enough to jog. He is not homeless. He lives in a barn. The barn could be blown away if someone sneezes, but it is his home. Somehow, he has ownership of this small property and barn. He is not addicted to anything, thus the ability to jog. His barn is off of New Shackle. It is behind the house of some people I know.
These people fucking (sorry) shot his dog. Dude says, "his dog growled at my wife, I had to shoot it" then he spit his chewing tobacco. "Maybe now he will go away. We were fine before he started squatting in the barn. The cops said he owns the barn and they can't make him leave. I had to shoot that dog"

What the fuck (sorry). First of all dogs are people too. You don't just shoot people and you don't just shoot people's dogs. If you are a not-homeless barn dwelling guy, I imagine your dog is pretty important to you. Having someone shoot it would be a big problem. Like the death of a child. Remember dog's are people too. Anyway if a dog growls at your wife and you think it is a problem. You fucking (sorry) call animal control. You don't shoot it.

I am upset. Who wants to help me shoot dumb ass's wife? I am sure she is bitch (female dog - not sorry).

Flipity Flopity Crocks in Denim

2008-09-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

It is time to accept one simple fact. Flip Flop weather is coming to an end. Not all change is good.

I have shopped for shoes. Real shoes. The kind that don't go between your toes.

I am very hard on my shoes. I tend to sit with one foot on top of the other. Then I twist the foot on top. This will tear up even the highest quality shoes. So, my shoes never make it from one year to the next. I have exactly one pair of non-flip-flop casual shoes.
Not counting crocks. My sister, the fashion designer, has informed me that shoes are not made of dishwasher safe materials. Therefore, crocks are not shoes. I tend to agree. Crocks are shoes if you are under 10 years of age. If you are over 30, not so much. They are very comfy. I have never torn up a crock. The indestructible quality is further evidence that they are not shoes.

Speaking of things I am hard on. I pretty much wear jeans every day. I went to get a pair and realized that I had a small health problem that ruined every pair of jeans in my closet. You know what I mean. "Lady Problems" I always wanted to say that. This happened just as the weather turned warm. I did not want to spend my money on jeans when it was 98 degrees outside. I hate shopping for jeans. How many times in one day can a person say "just how big is my ass?"

Lots of wardrobe issues for me.
My kids don't have any clothes either.
I need lots of money.

I Can't Lift Him

2008-09-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

Does anyone have any ideas about
How to get my husband off the couch?

Threats, Promises, Weapons, Kids Jumping on Him, all have failed.

Humph

Super Freak

2008-09-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

This month is my turn to host Book Club.
When I saw this on my callendar, I flashed back to the night of last book club. Everyone said, "Oh it is at Rachel's house next month. I can't wait to see her house"

After remembering this. I thought "no pressure" everyone is coming to see my house and Lee Anne is taking the month off. Surely I can get it clean.

Then it occured to me, they think I am ecentric. They think my house is going to be weird. Well, it is a little weird. I am not from Tn. so my house does not look like most peoples house. For example I have no dried flowers. I don't think I have any silk flowers. NO entertainment center. Did you pass out cold? No entertainment center.

I don't have a TV downstairs.

I am a freak!

Twice in One Day

2008-09-18T13:18:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I accidentally break into song. Like now,
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Neighbors Family!

I think most neighborhoods have a family that is just weird. In our neighborhood we have a family where the mom is good old fashioned crazy, and the kids are obviously being sexually abused. I don't feel the need to horrify you with details, just trust me on this one. Or e-mail me privately. I'm not afraid to sling mud.

These people (animals would be more appropriate), keep leaving their vehicle in the driveway with the door open. I have an overwhelming urge to empty the cat's litter box into their vehicle. I have other ideas, like powdered milk that would sour and turn stinky when it got wet. Or several bottles of detergent. It would bake into the floor in the sun and try cleaning mas quantities of soap out of the cloth seats. Bubble Palooza. hehehe

I have a track record of getting caught, what with the loud giggling. Otherwise, it would be on like Donkey Kong. Can you imagine how pissed Chris would be if I got busted for putting cat leavings in the neighbors car? That is worth a laugh.
My plan is that writing this blog should help with the overwhelming urges.

Trey & Trey

2008-09-18T13:18:00.001-07:00

The reason for two Treys.
Does anyone think that is as funny as I do? trey = 3, 2 3s. get it. No, just me, ok.

When Sarah decided to marry Joseph Dominic Moceri II, it was decided that a male child would be the 3rd. Sarah did not want another Joe or Nick so she settled on Trey, for the 3rd. This was 15 years ago. Trey is 2 years old.

Whats-her-butt, is having the 4th kid with the 3rd or 4th husband. I know that is not relevant to this issue. I just felt like sharing. Her father's name is Michael and someone in the daddy's family is Michael. So this little man would be the third Michael. They would name him Trey Michael. Both the name and the rational behind it are ripped off from Sarah. Kind of. Trey already goes by Trey and Whats-her-butt's child would go by Trey as well.

Both Whats-her-butt and Sarah can say it is a family name and it is not a family name.
Confusing?

Apes

2008-09-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Old friend from high school that copies everything that other old friend does.

house same floor plan
same bed linens
same color walls
same diaper bag
same clothing
etc.

And now she wants to name the child she is expecting the same name as other friend's son.
Are you f'in kidding me?
Why does this make me so angry?
Am I over reacting?
Is my friend over reacting?
Would you care if one of your friends named their child the same name as your child?

Did you know that I...?

2008-09-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

I got tagged. I think I can do this.

6 Silly things about me.

1. I am addicted to Chick-Fillet sweet T. Almost everyday, I get a medium or LARGE sweet T. without ice. By addicted I mean, I once cried when I realized it was Sunday and I could not have a sweet T. Maybe they should just give me a key to the place.

2. I know the head cashier at Target by name. This is a result of going there at least 9 times a week. My first trip to Target after recovering from strep throat and several of the cashiers asked if I was feeling better. How did they know? Apparently sales were down. ha ha

3. I think of reasons to call Chris. Sometimes I just want to talk to him. He does not like to talk on the phone so I have to come up with a reason. Then when he answers I am usually very brief, and end up saying I have to go with in 30 seconds. Why do I always tell on myself? No biggie I think he already knows. In fact, I think he can read my mind. He knows everything. It's creepy.

4. I have a weird way of reading books. I read one author's entire body of work and then pick another author. I am particularly fond of authors who write series. I like seeing how the characters progress from one novel to the next without the disconnect of the months that come in between novels. I recently read the 14th installment of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. I could not get into it because it has been so long since I read the previous 13. If an author has a multiple series and I don't like one of them, I read them anyway. I have to mark the author off my list.

5. I am a big fan of Star Trek. Chris and I have watched all the Next Generations, then the Deep Space Nine, and we are in the middle of Voyager. I know things like why the House of Mog was dishonered and the 27th rule of acquisition. It's not right. I can't help myself. My friends are never going to let this Star Trek thing go.

6. I talk to my dog. One of the things I keep telling her, "Bell you have to learn to speak English, I can't translate evey expression that crosses your face." I need serious help.

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED!

When I grow up, I want to be a good friend.

2008-09-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

This post is Blue because I am sad.
I did not get to go to Dena's party because we lost Madeline. Well, she was with her BFF's babysitter. But they did not come home when they said they would.
Anyone, who reads the blog, including Dena, is going to think I did not go on purpose. After talking to Chris, I felt a lot better about it. I was excited to go. I even put on lipstick. Y'all know that means I fully intended to go and have a great time.
They had pomegranate sangria!

I'm scared of that...

2008-09-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

Do you guys remember the time Chris got me fired by almost beating up my self appointed boss? His name was Jason. Oh, IS Jason, he is still alive.

My best friend in TN, Dena, is having her 40th Birthday Party tonight. It is also a party for two other people. The other people are more Dena's friends but we all move in the same circle. Or something like that.

Jason is the brother-in-law of one of the Birthday Girls. He RSVP in the affirmative. I am pretty sure Chris will not just see the jerk (I mean guy) walk over and start beating on him. In fact, I am more than 50% certain of that. Well, maybe 30% certain. Just kidding, good grief!

Jason was so mean to me. What's more is, he is creepy. There is something wrong with him.

I'm scared.

Tricked Out & Honey, I Need Chocolate

2008-09-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

If you have ever met my husband you know about his issue with electronics.
If it is high dollar and can be purchased at Best Buy or similar retailers, we have 2.

Our computer is more tricked out that Pamela Anderson going to a monster truck rally.

So, I felt guilty when I kicked the CPU. For those of you who did not marry a nerd, the CPU is the box thing that hummmmms all the time.

I am trying to burn CDs. But the Mack Daddy of computers cannot tell that there is a disk in the drive. I have been 2.5 hours and have only burned 12. Just 24 to go.
Bella Corolla is whispering in my ear "You can do it".

I just re-inserted the same disc 36 times before it finally worked.
My eye is twitching.

Chris, if you read this, then please memorize the following sentences.
I love my wife. My wife loves me. Monday will mark the 16th anniversary of our relationship. My wife wants chocolate or hormone replacement therapy (whichever is must effective). She will be disapointed with a gift that uses batteries or plugs into a wall. Solar power is also unacceptable.

Not that I did not love the MP3 player with the fancy screen thingy on it. I have listened to 2 books and plan to use it again this weekend. In fact I will use it a lot between now and the grand opening of the new library - I can't wait - New Library - so excited.
I really did need a new MP3. Thanks Honey!

2008-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

September 11th

I remember.
Bethany called me from Long Island. Her mother's office was write across the bay. It was not on TV yet but her mother called to say "I might be hallucinating I think I just saw..."
I started watching TV.
I tried to call my sister. I could not get in touch with her. I knew she was in Midtown. But all the smoke and her asthma.
I started wondering if my Uncle Eddie was going anywhere that day. He flies out of DC about 3 times a week.
My children were saying "Mommy, why cry?"

I was scared.

Americans are not suppose to be afraid in their own homes.

We hung an American flag on the front of our home.

Then the wind blew it down.
We never put it back up.

At first I wanted revenge. I did not think Bush was doing enough. I wanted atomic bombs. I wanted to level the entire Middle East. We could put a big red bow on it and give it to Israel as a gift.
Israel deserves a gift.
Then I started to calm down.
Then American children started dying. I think 20 year olds are children. Aaron Cantley was suppose to pilot Air Force one, but he volunteered to go to Iraq. Further evidence of his being a child. His parents were beside themselves with fear and pride. Sarah was beyond upset. I was incredulous.
Now I know that we can't win a war that was started by Abraham. I don't know if there is any victory to be had. Sadly, I am still looking for my revenge.

I have some growing to do.

Hey Now, I meant ....

2008-09-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I have some explaining to do.

But I don't owe anyone an explanation. So, I deleted the part of the post that got me in trouble.

Hi Christy!

Changing the Subject

2008-09-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

I feel the intense need to change the subject away from the ugly kids of people who work with my husband.

No, I will not delete the post!

Moving on
Logan's Callendar

Sunday - Sleep In Sundays
This means that Logan sleeps in, duh. He also feels like it involves bacon which is eaten upstairs in front of the t.v. There are some other stipulations to Sleep In Sunday, but I can manage them.

Monday - No Homework Monday
Pardon my slang. That just aint gonna happen for you kid.

Tuesday - Tennis Shoe Tuesday
This is the day Logan has PE and must wear tennis shoes to school. It works for me.

Wednesday - Wipe it Wednesdays
This is the one day a week that Logan will wipe his pee off the toilet seat. He pees everywhere. I have even seen it running down the wall. Interestingly, not the wall behind the toilet. If you ask him to wipe the seat on a Tuesday, he looks at like you are from another planet.

Thursday - Ha Ha Thursdays
This is sweet because his favorite shows come on Thursdays. Total Drama Island. Must see t.v. for little people.

Friday - Friendly Fridays or French Fry Fridays
Logan likes to have sleepovers on Fridays. He also feels entitled to McDonald's.

Saturday - Sleep in Your Room Saturday
Logan tries to sleep with us everynight. But on Saturdays he argues that it will ruin Sleeping In Sundays if he does not get to sleep in our room. The kid is clever like that.

My Calendar

Suck it up Sundays
Mean to You Mondays
Time Out Tuesdays
Wash Behind Your Ears Wednesdays
Pissed Off Thursdays
Freaking No Fridays
Sassy Mouth Saturdays

And the Snobby Bitch Award goes to....

2008-09-07T19:54:00.000-07:00

The Hands Down Favorite - Rachel Collins

Rachel, "You have just won the snobby bitch award what are you going to do now?"

With a twang in her voice that would put must hee-haw fans on edge she said, "Get drunk and bitch about stupid people. "

Chris' company had an event this weekend. It was so fun. Horseback ridding, inflatables for the kids, the balloon man, cotton candy, ice cream, Dave's famous BBQ, canoes, swimming pool, lake - you get the picture right?

This part of the post has been deleted because it might get me in trouble or divorced. The rest stays, because people should know the truth about me. I am not as nice as you think I am. I am working on changing that. Let's face it, it could take a while.

I have learned that some of the people I did not like in High School are not doing that well in today's world.
I knew that arragant peice of crap (annonymous boy) would be a failure and live a life of mediocraty.

HA HA (that was my evil laugh)

I knew that girl who drove the (annonymous) and wanted to be my friend but did not want to be nice to me would be chronically unemployed and live off her parents.

HA HA (that was my evil laugh again)

I knew that girl who was my friend all through high school and could not get away from me fast enough when I saw her at Bluefield College would end up in a bad marriage and have a life without personal dignity.

HA HA (that was my evil laugh again)

It is with great humility that I stand (sit typing) before you tonight and accept this award for snobby bitchy women of the year. For me the bitchy has always come easy, but the snobby has taken a lifetime to perfect.
Thank You!

Smarty Pants

2008-09-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

Eww I hate Orange.

So...... embarrassing story that anyone with half a brain would not share with another living person.....

Day 1
Lee Anne (my beloved housekeeper) is taking the month off. I put on my big girl panties. I visualized Bella Corolla saying "You Can Do It". And I believe that I can do it.

Days 2-4
Denial.

Day 5
I have a plan.
It involves Target, so it has to be a good plan. Right?

Go to target buy cleaning supplies. Sarah pointed out to me that I do not have a vacuum. Apparently, you can't vacuum up a bag full of gummy bears any better in 2008 than when I tried it in 2001. Do I really have to buy a vacuum for 4 weeks. I only have 4 rooms with carpet.

Day 6
Yes I really do have to buy a vacuum.

Day 8
I'm off to Target for cleaning supplies. Do What, What is This Stuff? My mom did not answer the phone. I have to call Sarah, because the cleaning supply aisle has got the better of me. You know Sarah is going to tell everyone how out of touch I am. I follow Sarah's directions to a T. So.... why will these little spots not come off the sink? 2 hours latter- they are paint. I have cleaned one sink in 2 hours time.

In the past two days Amy has made a couple remarks about how smart I am. She should have seen me at Target.

Tomorrow I purchase a vacuum. Vroooooom Vrooooom!

Contradictions?

2008-09-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I am Logan's room mom. So, I check in with the teachers every week to see if I can do anything or if they need any supplies.
Jennifer e-mailed me back and said she will send home stuff to make the A.R. folders. Um Hum. The supplies she will be sending home include a glue gun. I am thinking this is a bad idea. I will need to make copies of everything in case of utter destruction and confirm all insurance is up to date in case of house fire.
I know I said I would do anything that was needed, but please sister, I can't use a glue gun.

I am reading Paradise by Toni Morrison for the third time. I am suppose to be smart. I can't understand this book. I can't even seem to keep the characters straight.
Earlier today, I am deep in contemplation. I almost have part of it figured out. My mind is racing. I look down and OMG... I need a pedicure. Maybe I am not as smart as I think I am. Or maybe I am way more shallow than I think I am.

I don't want to be a snob. I might have been a snob in high school and I need to make up for it. But when we went to IHOP with my parents this weekend, I could not help but think, we should have gone to brunch at the country club. I felt like I was eating in someones trailer. Good food, bad service, other customers with funny aromas.
What could be snobbier? Me, I could be even snobbier.
But I will keep that story to myself.

Crazy Kids

2008-09-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

Logan has inspector blue to help him brush his teeth. Unfortunatly he thinks if he swishes with it, he doesn't have to brush his teeth.
For the third morning in a row I am making him brush his teeth. He is saying that I am wrong about how it works. I am trying to free the hair dryer cord from the legs of the vanity chair.
He says "how do you know?"
I say "I read the directions."
He says "show me."
I say "I can't right this minute."
He leaves.
I call after him "come back and brush your teeth".
Later, Chris tells me that he walked past him mumbling "I knew she didn't have any proof".
I did not know his mind worked that way.

Daniel gave Madeline 3 pink roses for her Birthday. When Shane saw this he said "Madeline, where did you get those?"
She said "Daniel gave them to me"
He said "Oh, they're nice"
Then his dad walked over and patted him on the back. I could not hear what they said to each other.
The funny thing is, Madeline's boy friend, Alex, was not even there.

Look Dudes

2008-08-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

Check me out. I am going all fancy. I love Destry's photo blog. So, I am doing one too. I hope you like it. And I hope it gets more interesting. I will try to put a picture up each and every day.

This should be fun!

The Return of Princess Post A Lot

2008-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hi
I got a little drunk at book club last night.
I had a hang over this morning.
Drunk on Tuesday.
Hungover on Wednesday.
I make a great Stay at Home Mom!

Yesterday I...
8:20 take kids to school
8:30 come home put on underwear, brush teeth
9:00 emergency run to Chick Fillet - must have huge T
9:30 Volunteer meeting for PTO
10:00 Actual volunteer work for Logan's class
11:30 Meet Destry at club for lunch, yummy
12:30 Pick Mada up for Dr. Appt.
2:30 rush home for monthly bug guy visit
Help Mada with homework
3:30 Go get Logan and Mad's BFFs Chloe and Cammie
4:00 Play on computer and do nothing
5:30 Help Logan with homework
6:30 Go to Book Club
12:00 Come home & Pass out

Pretty Typical

Today I,
was hung over, my cell phone will not work, I had to do my Laundry (Cathy come back) it went down hill from there.

Until I heard Kid Rock "All Summer Long" Now I am on top of life again. A good song can be the best thing ever!

Princess Post a Lot

2008-08-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

I am suddenly posting all the time.

I have just realized that my husband reads my blog.
You may notice a sudden and dramatic shift in content.

Have I mentioned that

I never go over budget
I have been a good girl all day
I have been working tirelessly at cleaning my house
The title of this month's book club book is not "The Adultery Diet"
If that were the title I would not understand the book and not be able to relate
My husband does not have a silly looking sun burn
My husband smells great after running 6 miles
I think of my husband every minute of everyday

2008-08-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

Wow!
Facebook is a roller coaster.

I have been in touch with people I love and miss.

I have been reminded of what it felt like to ride in the borrowed convertible of an ex boyfriend and sing Life Is A Highway at the top of my lungs.

I remember things I am not proud of, like dating a guy who was very mean to me because his best friend was dating my best friend. Why would I let someone treat me like that?

I remember the party at Steph's house. Even though we can no longer be friends. I love her. I know that there in someone in Pa. who reads my blog. It might Steph. This is not an olive branch. I don't want you in my life. But I will always love you.

I remember dancing in my underwear at Amy and Beth's house wile getting ready for God knows what.

I remember getting the phone call (conference call if I remember correctly) " Wimmer is mowing the yard. I'll order Pizza. Be here in 10 minutes. He just toke his shirt off."

I remember being at our 10 year reunion and Natalie asked me if it was OK for her to sleep with Chris Shrewsburry. I remember asking Amy if I could date him. I loved thinking that we still had the same unspoken code.

Another thing I am not proud of, breaking the code with Sarah and Shane. Sarah forgave me. I am the only one who ever broke the code. Bad Girl.

I remember missing Wanda's funeral because I was to immature to realize that it meant something.

I remember answering the phone and being so thrilled that it was the boy I hoped it would be on the other end.

I remember Sarah using a trash can lid to get down the hill in 2 feet of snow because the 6 of us were going out. I remember Steph jumping out of her window and landing in the same snow. I don't remember what could have been so important.

I don't remember Daniel. I don't remember Heather McGlothlin. I don't know what else I don't remember.

What do you remember?

Come Back Cathy We Love You

2008-08-19T07:37:00.001-07:00

Cathy has not been here for two weeks in a row.
Thank God I have Lee Anne.
I have only had Cathy for a month. She seems like part of the family.
I can't imagine life without Cathy or Lee Anne.

I asked Cathy not to come last week because I ran out of money. There is a long story behind that. Who knew I could spend so much without realizing it. OK, everyone knew, I do it all the time. lol

She is a Nervous Nelly. She said she understood but, I think she toke it very personally. She has not returned my phone calls. And she did not show up this morning. I took a long time to find Cathy. In the end I just got lucky. I could be months without someone to replace her.

Life as I know it could be coming to an end.

I obviously don't have time to blog. I have to do laundry again this week.

This is not the Princess Way of Life.

Requires Own Post

2008-08-18T04:42:00.000-07:00

I am the Dancing Queen

Time On My Hands

2008-08-18T04:21:00.000-07:00

My husband has been working all the time. And by all the time, I mean, all the time. He has not done this in years, so I should be more tolerant. But, I can't tolerate someone who is not around.

My kids are back in school. I have some time. Besides seeing Mama Mia 87 times, I have been on Facebook. At the moment, I am addicted. I can't find my friends on there. But I have "talked" to people I have not seen in years.

I wonder if I will keep doing this after Chris stops working all the time. Probably!

I do have one issue with Facebook. I can't remember anybody! How embarrassing! Everyone knows that the doctors told me I had brain damage affecting my memory after Madeline's birth. I don't know if that is true or not. I mean, who remembers everybody they went to school with? Or everything they did with their friends 16 years ago? Nonetheless, I have a nagging feeling I should know Ruddy Brammer and Joe Farley. lol BTW Who in the Hell is Niki Maze King? I got nothing... humf

2008-08-13T08:05:00.000-07:00

I have only been at this blog thing for a short time and I am already behind.
Let me explain.
I suck.
Now that we have that covered...

I am pleased to announce that my friend who I don't like anymore on account of the whole princess thing...... is no longer my friend. At least I hope to have gotten rid of her. I have not spoken to her in 2 weeks.
Glorious weeks!
I try to actively eliminate stress. And boy did I do a good job by getting rid of her.

So, my life has been boring recently.
School started last week.

I toke my Brownie troop camping. I gave them a patch "Camp Like a Girl". We had deluxe cabins in a state park. They were beside the pool. We had precooked meals at the dinning room table. We coked in one cabin and slept in a separate but identical cabin. We had plenty of hot water and good water pressure. We did not have a dish washer, but my lawyer is filing a complaint on behalf of the girls. tongue in cheek
We did have a lot of fun while we there. We reserved a trail ride on horse back. We reserved a camp fire and made smores. We went on a hike. We tried to take a tour of a cave. But the cave was dark and did not offer indoor plumbing so we turned around and left. lol It also had very deep mud filled trenches and the guide kept yelling at my girls. She made one of them cry with her proclamation that the mud would be up to their necks and they would twist their ankles. My biggest regret is that they did not have a patch that said "Camp Like a Princess". lol

Seriously, I have taken this Princess (insert multiple bad words here) thing and made it my own. Did you know that Princesses do not unstop toilets. I found that out today. The toilet will be there when Chris gets home. We have other bathrooms. Would a real Princess call a plumber?
EWWWWW

I will keep you all updated on the many things that Princesses do and do not do as I learn about them. Please keep me updated as you discover the Princess Way Of Life (PWOL).

This is no Accident

2008-07-28T15:18:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about me.

Do any of you have friends that seem to track your spending habits?
Do you have friends who feel it is their place to comment on how you spend your money?
Have any of your friends ever called you a Princess?
I know you are thinking that this person does not sound like a friend, and you are right.

Princess, I mean, I only wear my tiara Thursday through Monday.

But Seriously, I do have a good life. I don't have a job. So she feels like I have more than her and I have not earned it.

I met my husband 6 weeks after my 18th Birthday. We have always had common goals. We decided that my not working is the best way for us to maintain the lifestyle that we achieved together.

Am I an unproductive member of society? At least one day a week the answer to that is yes. lol But I contribute. I have a Brownie Troop and it sucks a lot of my time. I am a room mom. I help raise a lot of money for the PTO. Oh yes, I see the trend, these are all things that help my children. I also serve on the parent advisory board of the Center for Child Development at Vanderbilt, again a direct benefit to Logan. But I give money (not the same as man hours) to many charities that do not directly benefit my kids.

Am I a spoiled princess? Hell yes. And I would not have it any other way. If I want something, I get it. If I don't want to do something, I hire someone to do it. Besides, me being spoiled seems to make my husband happy. If it makes him happy I will make the sacrifice. lol BTW he is spoiled too. I am very happy with my life. I hope you are as happy with yours. I hope that you make an effort to control stress when it is possible for you to do so.

Do I have stress? Hell yes. I have a kid who was born extremely premature and is still dealing with the aftermath of that. I just scheduled a cardiologist appointment for her. I hope none of you ever schedule a cardiologist appointment for a child. I have a kid with Autism, unless you have a kid with a serious and incurable disability YOU DON'T GET IT. I hope you never wake up crying because you don't know if your child has any real friends. So, when my laundry is overwhelmingly, I hire someone to do it for me. It is the Princess way!

Am I a feminist? You can bet your life on it. How can I be a feminist and not work? This is about personal freedom and a lack of greed. I could make more money, and I could spend it too. lol I can think of all kinds of ways I could tear through $50,000. Just imagine the tiaras. But, I have more than what I need to provide for my family. There are many benefits to not working. I do not feel like I have to work for someone other than myself just because I am capable of doing so. I hope you are able to see the difference between choosing to do a thing and doing it because that is what you are suppose to do. I also hope that you can put materialism aside and make decisions based upon what will make you happy. I know plenty of people that I consider to be poor and they are very content. I know that only Princesses have the ability to make such decisions, so I suggest you become a Princess. lol

Here is a sign that you are greedy. You know that wait staff makes less than $3 an hour. You tip 15% to the penny on your ticket. Even if the total is $5. If you sit at a table for over an hour, you should not tip $0.75. This will embarrass your princess friends. Your princess friends will feel compelled to leave a crazy large tip to make up for it. This is a catch 22 for Princess who then has to hear your comment about how money must mean nothing to Princess or she would not leave such large tips. In reality Princess does understand money and that is why she is giving so much of it to the wait staff.

I think I understand the term frienemy.

2 Pee or not 2 Pee

2008-07-22T11:59:00.000-07:00

Pee Pee and Wee Wee

I need some feed back on this one.

If you see a 12 year old boy in the women's bathroom with his mom, you probably think, what the.....

At what age does this happen. You can't take your little man into the bathroom with you when he is, well, a little man.

So, you let him go to the bathroom by himself. What about when you have to go? Do you leave him waiting for you in the middle of Target? At Target it is not the middle of the store, it is beside the exit. This is scary.

What about when your son says "mom (insert sarcastic yet pleading tone) that is the girls bathroom. I am a boy."

Any thoughts?

BTW Is it ok to talk on the phone while you are in the stall? Does it depend on how well you know the person you are talking to?

Swimming

2008-07-16T07:30:00.000-07:00

And now a Blog about Madeline.

Since Madeline's birth she has struggled with sensory issues. Most babies love bath time. Madeline screamed like you were boiling her. So, learning to swim has been a process.

Yesterday, Madeline participated in her first swim meet. She swam the 25 yard Freestyle without stopping to hold onto the rope. She has also learned to dive and swim breast stroke this summer.

Logan is a fish and swimming has not been an issue for him. He would do a lot better at swim meets but his goal is to stay in the pool as long as possible.

Madeline is faster than her brother. She paid me to say that, but it is true.

Madeline has also made a lot of progress with her fear of bugs. She is still afraid of bees but that does not seem particularly unusual to me. She has been catching lightening bugs. I will point out that in order to catch a bug, you have to touch it.

Madeline Rocks!

Big L

2008-07-14T07:46:00.000-07:00

My Little Man. He is so fun.
On Friday, our cat had an ultrasound. Before I toke her to the vet I was trying to explain to the kids that when we picked her up her belly would be shaved. I told them that the doctor needed to look at her kidneys. Kidneys are on the inside of her body and removing the hair will make it easier to see through her skin. True - ish.

Kids: See through her skin? Oh mom, you are crazy, yuck, that is not true.

Me: Yes it is. That is how the doctors looked at you when you were inside my tummy.

Then I showed them pictures. We go about our day and picking up the cat becomes an item to mark off the list.

That evening Logan asks to see Meh's kitty.

Me: Logan what are you talking about?

Logan: You know Meh's kitty inside her belly the one the vet looked at today.

Me: No Logan that was her Kidney.

Ok, so we got that cleared up. Then Logan starts to cry.

He says that Meh would be so happy if she had a kitty. Just like how he makes me so happy.

I love that kid.

BTW, Meh's kidneys are not in the best of shape. But she is not in immediate danger. She is getting old and things are starting to go wrong. But she has a year or two left in her.